Of Course It's a Conspiracy

Everyone knows we bombed our own capital, took down our own twin towers, flooded our own people out of New Orleans, conspired against our own Bills in four super bowls and blew up our own Challenger. Our country is so far ahead of every other country that our leaders have decided the only way to make things at least somewhat competitive (and therefore more fun) is to start sabotaging our own progress. That’s why Bill Clinton had to be talked into humiliating himself and our country’s highest office, why Old Man Bush was convinced to lie about not raising taxes and why W agreed to tack on a ridiculously expensive prescription drug benefit to an already unaffordable program. The Keep It Close initiative probably started with Nixon, but no one can be sure. I’ve been sending suggestions to them for years. I’ve recommended letting the DMV run our hospitals (to reduce our population advantage), putting John Kerry in charge of the Pentagon (to eliminate our military advantage), and leaving the public school system just as it is (to eliminate our education advantage). With hard work and creative problem solving we may even be able to reduce our huge cultural lead over France within a millennium!