Truth Abuser
The euphemism of the month is "truth abuser". The second runner up is "not factually accurate". The game is, "How to call a liar a liar without saying 'liar'". Kerry calls Bill Clinton a "truth abuser". Kerry is calling Bill Clinton a liar. Barak says Bill Clinton's statements are "not factually accurate". Barak is calling Bill Clinton a liar. Politics is professional wrestling for people who can read newspapers. Nothing is at is seems by design. Or if it is then we call it something different to add another warm blanket between us and the cold truth. The truth is that most if not all politicians lie. However, not all do it with as much shamelessness or gusto as the Clinton's. Even some democrats now are admitting what the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy brought to light over 10 years ago...the Clinton's lie, it's what they do. No matter what you call it. If the Clinton's capture the White House again it will mean that America has become unrecognizable to the people who once believed in the simple decency of her citizens.
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A Letter of Introduction from T. Herman Zweibel
By T. Herman Zweibel
Publisher Emeritus (photo circa 1911)
The Onion
January 21, 2008 | Issue 44•03
The school-educated busy-bodies who manage my media properties inform me that it is almost time to appoint a new President. I almost cannot believe it is time for the suet-brained populace of this flagging Republic to be once again herded into the voting-booths to allegedly choose precisely which bloody-handed butcher will crack their bones and suck the marrow over the next few years. Futility, I say, rank and base futility! Does the grist choose the mill, the rabbit the hawk, the innocent 12-year-old Atlantic City orphan girl the lusty mob of beefy, drunk, vacationing coal-oil sales-men? They do not, and neither do the Citizens choose their Leaders. However, if The Onion news-paper can further the illusion that an individual vote has more potential to change the world than a lamb's last bubbling bleat in a crowded slaughter-house—and furthermore, if we may turn a hand-some profit by doing so—than let The Onion be the Judas goat to the milling herd of democratic cattle!
I am told that our new War of the White House section will contain the vetted and censored life stories of each candidate; white-washed and simplified versions of their heinous plans to drain the life and wealth of each and every tax-payer; a schedule denoting the appearances of every aspirant, so that one may go and be covered in unspeakable fulminating lies in person instead of hearing them over the crystal-set. I should God damned well hope that there will also be prettily-colored pictures, or else the average American citizen will not be able to keep his eye on it for more than a few heart-beats, and it would be better yet if there were accompanying photos of ample heaving bosoms. Sadly, the man in the street becomes affronted whenever he feels his supposed dignity is being besmirched. Why is this? The man in the street is, for all his puffery, standing there in the God damned street!
In any case, there will also be a section on how our Democracy works, despite even the simplest boor suspecting in his secret heart of hearts that it is a sham. Which it is. I have not voted since becoming a wealthy industrialist, having figured out some time ago that it is much wiser to employ the organ grinder than vote for the monkey. Still, I hope this special section is of some amusement to all. I understand that one of the candidates is campaigning in a dress this year, and yet another in a minstrel's blackface, which I must say was unexpected; but as long as there are no Catholics on the ballot, I see no reason to summon the marksmen.
Now get back to work!
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